A little history about me: I have a long history of addictions and they range from a large variety of things. Good and bad. I have no shame in admitting that. Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future, right? I have waltzed, jitterbugged, and hokey-pokey'd with vices of all shapes, colors, and sizes. For this post, I'll keep it light.
For those of you who don't know me, of my addictions, I am "to the very end" a workaholic. I run myself into the ground endlessly. The masochist in me loves it. The other day at work, I had a conversation with myself - the one where you answer yourself back, then you know you're really going crazy. I had finished work a little early, so I sat there. At my desk, in my little, tucked away office, I sat there in a shaking frenzy. My legs shook wilder than a washing machine on spin cycle when you've stuffed it pass full capacity. My world was spinning. I was going mad. So, I stopped and I asked myself, "what are you going to do?" Here's how I know I was really going crazy. I answered back.
I honestly, full heartedly believe, given the chance, I would work myself to death. I barely had time to eat, sleep, nonetheless sit down if it wasn't business related. In one week I had lost 5lbs. In one month I had lost over 15lbs. Eventually, I was at the point where I would forget to eat. Not long after that, I no longer ate at all. I was so wrapped up and consumed by my hunger to work, I lost my hunger for burgers and milkshakes. Boy, do I love milkshakes. If it was on the menu, I was having it, but I had let work consume my whole life that I no longer had time to enjoy these things.
My motto is "work hard now, play harder later." What that also entails is that there are times, you have to work hard AND smart. At one point, I would believe that I did it all for the money. I used to believe the fallacy that the more money I had, the more I could do.
WRONG. More money meant more work. More work meant less time. Less time meant I would neglect myself and my body even more. I was putting in all the hours at work, yes, but by the time the money rolled around, I wouldn't have been there to enjoy it. I would've worked myself to death at the rate I was going.
Of course, your addiction may not be the same as mine, and surely, this has not been my worst addiction. I use this example because I had been there before which is why I was able to answer myself when I asked "what are you going to do."
If you haven't caught on by now, this post isn't about battling addictions - not yet. This post is to remind every single addict out there who has been there, finds themselves going back, wants to get the hell out of there, and high tail it in the other direction that when it comes to addictions our whole life is effected. We can't turn our lives around without knowing where it is we want to go and we certainly can't get there without the tools we need to get there. This means taking care of our bodies and not neglecting those who are there to help us.
With addiction, I find that it's easy to neglect our bodies and push away from everything and everyone in our lives. We start to live lives we never pictured for ourselves and we live it alone.
You've got to ask yourself the hard questions. Is what you gained worth the price you paid? How much longer do you plan to be around?
I wasn't sitting at my desk shaking because I had no work to do and didn't know what to do with myself - ok, maybe a little bit of the latter. I was shaking because my body had been running on fumes. For the first time in a long time, I could finally sit down, pause, and catch my breath. My body had a few other things it wanted to catch up on, though. I could feel the mental, emotional, and physical exhaust. At any second, I knew I would collapse under that much weight. So, I sat down and I asked, "what are you going to do?" To which I responded, "I'm going to eat."
When I say eat, I don't just mean a burger with an XL milkshake on the side. By eat, I mean partake or indulge. I wasn't going to indulge in just cholesterol on a bun. I was going to indulge in everything else my body had been missing for the past few months. I was going to sleep, eat, kick my feet up and watch Criminal Minds reruns. It was time I paid attention to other parts of my life, aside from my wallet. I had been so caught up making a living, I forgot to make a life.
So here is the start of my journey as a recovering addict.
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